When the Truth is Dangerous

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any  excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8 (ESV).

WHEN THE TRUTH IS DANGEROUS

I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes, feeling some irritation that I’m the ONLY one who apparently knows how to wash dishes in my house. The frustration grew into a real resentment as I scrubbed last night’s spaghetti stains off the plates. After the dishes, I had the laundry waiting on me, and after the laundry, the disgusting shower, and after the shower… well, you can probably relate to my long to-do list of chores. I’m a working mom, too! I work outside the home, so spending my one day off doing 7 loads of laundry is just not particularly how I want to spend my “free time.” 

I started complaining to myself and the funny thing is that myself listened. “YES, girl! You are RIGHT! If nobody else is gonna care about this house, why do YOU?” Except I didn’t say, “girl” because that’s not my “vibe.” Neither is saying the word “vibe,” but there it is. For the sake of this story, it seemed to work. I digress.

To be fair, those kids of mine are still just a bit too young to really, actually, know how to wash the dishes. So my complaint REALLY is for my husband, let’s be honest. “WHAT DOES HE DO AT HOME?” my angry self began to ask. In that moment, I could not see the BIG picture that my husband works 70+ hours a week and has chores that I refuse to do – especially now that the chicken coop needs a good cleaning.

So my ANGRY self started complaining about my husband and my normal self was accepting it and agreeing with it. I started wrestling with the idea that my husband really doesn’t ever help around the house.

“I do all the dishes and the laundry. I’m expected to do all the housework without help!” I complained to the Lord.

That’s when the Lord stepped in and hushed me entirely. He, that being the Lord, did NOT behave like my best friend would have; He spoke to me like a Father. My best FRIEND would have agreed with me in total solidarity. The Lord did not agree with me.

I heard this: “Just because it’s true, doesn’t mean it isn’t dangerous.” Woah.

You see, many years ago my marriage was on the brink of ending. I had many things to blame my husband on then. The Lord worked on my heart those many years ago that my husband was not the only one to blame. I had been very destructive in my thinking, and my anger, and my blaming. And here I was blaming my husband again. Yet, this time, it was over dishes. I was feeling resentment toward this man – the one who had done YEARS of work in his own life to become a wonderful, hardworking father and husband, a business owner who was at work providing for us that very second.

While my frustration might have been warranted, thinking such thoughts against my husband was dangerous. I could see how Satan would use old thoughts and old habits to reveal sealed cracks in our marriage. How easy it would be to press on those fragile places to create brokenness and division where we had both worked really hard to repair and heal.

Women sometimes say things to one another like this:

“You’re so right!”

“Well, that statement is fair!”

“Anyone would feel that way!”

“I think your feelings are just normal.”

We console one another that our anger and resentment, our negative attitudes, are to be expected, especially when it is birthed out of truth. We have “every RIGHT” to those feelings.

But just because it’s true, doesn’t mean it isn’t dangerous. Those true, but dangerous, thoughts can render us ineffective in those areas.

“I’m not good at math,” is a favorite claim I often make. It’s absolutely TRUE. I’m NOT good at math, just like I’m not good at cooking! But once I claim those words, those very true words, and I speak them and own them and believe them, I become ineffective in making meals for my family, or in making change for my customers at work when they pay cash.

In the same way, once I speak negative truths over my husband, I become ineffective at loving him with the fullness I desire. I become ineffective at finding healing and joy in our marriage. Ineffective truths keep us from powerful work in our jobs, our relationships, and our spiritual growth. 

Instead, let’s first acknowledge whether or not it is REALLY true. Sometimes it isn’t REALLY true. Does my husband absolutely NEVER help around the house? No. He shows up and helps out more than I deserve. So, it wasn’t even REALLY true to begin with.

In my silly example about my horrible math skills, it is true I’m bad at math, but I sometimes wonder if I am bad at math because I claimed I was bad at it and gave up. I’m not sure if that one really is true or not. Sometimes we create our own truths built on our own thoughts.

Sometimes though, it may ACTUALLY be true. It may ACTUALLY be true that we have a loved one who is absent, who is lousy, who is negative or unhelpful. In those very real, very hard moments, I’m not asking you to make excuses for them, or ignore healthy boundaries. I’m not asking you to accept their negative words or behaviors and sometimes we NEED to acknowledge it, but in a healthy way.

However, we don’t need to claim thoughts that silently build a resentment that eventually bursts forth in anger, disparity or even in apathy. If our thoughts are hindering our own healing more than they are being helpful, it’s time to ditch them.

This includes thoughts about others, but also thoughts about ourselves. Careful! Don’t flippantly speak “truths” about your abilities, your successes, or your failures if they keep you from living in the fullness of the One who created you.

When I was growing up and someone would hurt my feelings, my mother would ask me, “Is it true?” Often the answer would be, “no.” “If it isn’t true, then you don’t have to accept it,” she would reply. If it isn’t true, I don’t have to accept it, claim it or become it.

If I begin to believe something is true, I begin to live like it is true until it becomes true. It’s dangerous.

I’m learning to try to filter my every thought, not just by asking, “is it true?”. That’s a good place to start, but we have to ask more questions, like, “Is it helpful?” “Is it kind?” “Is it healthy?”.

My daughter is bluntly honest; teaching her to ask if it's "kind" makes sense. It’s what any mama would teach their child. The problem is that we don’t carry the lesson over to our own thoughts. Are we thinking kind thoughts about ourselves, image bearers of the Creator? Are we thinking negatively about our spouses, our co-workers, our family members? Are we allowing bitterness to take root where God wants to plant healthy relationships?

So, while it may be true, it might also be dangerous. Beware, my sweet friend, to filter every thought through the blood of Jesus who has created you, loved you, saved you and healed you. It makes it easier to see the world around us from His perspective, and with great thankfulness and gratefulness.