Hearing God's Heart

Genesis 50:20, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good..." (ESV)

What is God doing in you that appears to be loss, but might in fact be gain?

When my daughter Kate was 3 years old, we discovered she couldn’t hear. I don’t know how long she had been struggling, but it became very obvious that she couldn’t hear us. She failed every hearing test. Thankfully it was just fluid in her ears that could be solved with tubes. Until the tubes fell out and her ears filled up again. We had surgery three more times to keep replacing tubes. We took out adenoids and tonsils. We did allergy testing and sleep studies to try to figure out what was wrong. Regardless of our efforts, she failed hearing test after hearing test.

Our church was holding a time of prayer and fasting and during that time Kate had surgery scheduled. We asked the whole church to pray that her ears would be healed. After that surgery, Kate passed her first hearing test.

One beautiful spring day we were sitting outside. I was in a chair enjoying the sunshine after winter. Kate was sitting in my lap. She suddenly sat straight up and said, “What’s that noise???” I didn’t hear anything. It was quiet. I didn’t even hear birds. I tried to listen intently to figure out what she was hearing. Then it struck me. She was hearing the wind. “Kate, that’s the wind!” I cried and cried to realize my baby had never heard the wind before.

I used to tell her teachers and her gymnastic coaches and Sunday School teachers about her hearing so that they could be aware, but after a while, I quit telling them. I quit talking about it. But I never stopped being thankful for her healing.

Then while Kate was home for one Christmas break, it was very apparent she wasn’t hearing again. It was the same old symptoms. She was turning her head to hear better, asking for subtitles on the TV, answering me in odd ways that had nothing to do with my question. Once again, Kate failed a hearing test.

As our church headed into another time of prayer and fasting in another year, I was admittedly discouraged. Hadn’t we claimed, and more importantly, experienced, her healing several years before?

Sometimes I do my best praying in the car. It may be because it's the only time I am alone. I was driving and talking to God. I was praying for God to heal Kate's ears one morning before another doctor's appointment. “God let her hear!” I cried in my Spirit. And my Spirit seemed to answer back… “Let her hear the things of the Lord.” Physical hearing is a good thing to pray for, but spiritual hearing is an even more important prayer for my child.

In fact, my Spirit seemed to go further. The Spirit seemed to ask me, “What if closing her ears to the things of the world opens Kate’s heart to hear the Lord better?  Would you still pray for her to hear? What if a physical struggle caused her to rely on the Lord in a deeper way than others experience? Would you still pray for her healing?”

In my earthliest, and ugliest, of forms, I might not choose wisely. I might choose my daughter to hear at the risk of losing her spiritual attentiveness. But God will always choose what is best, even if it doesn’t make sense to us.

What God is working in us, doesn’t always make sense, but neither can we see the big picture. We cannot see how God is working in us to accomplish His eternal purposes. What feels like earthly pain, may actually be spiritual healing. What feels like absence from earthly relationships, may be really be a push toward nearness with the Lord. What appears to be lost finances may really be a useful tool to direct us toward more prayer, more reliance on the Lord. I have experienced the Lord in powerful ways through, what outwardly appear to be, the worst moments. It's then, though, that God shows up - to be a Provider, Comforter, Friend.

I always say that I would never take back the hard times in my life for what I learn about the Lord. My relationship is always strengthened when I trust Him in the places that I don't understand.

God is teaching me to change my prayers. Now I pray my child is sensitive to the sounds of the Lord first, always. I pray she is able to distinguish between the world and the Lord. I pray she hears and feels the wind of the Spirit moving in powerful ways that impact others around her. I pray that is the noise that fills her heart and her life. I pray that is the noise that fills MY heart and MY life.

I've learned that God is always working out a big picture when I more often only focus on the here and now. God carefully prunes my life to bring me into closer reliance and relationship with Him.

We’ve had more testing and more tubes for Kate since then. But I find peace in knowing that God is Good and I can trust Him. I do not know the end to Kate’s hearing story, but I DO know the future for her has been ordained before the foundations of the world. I am confident God’s plan for her includes knowing Him deeper, whatever that looks like – in healing or in loss, loss that could be spiritual gains in disguise.